By 
Literally the first Saturday night I went to DC I met him. He had me in “eye contact” from across the bar. I can still remember the mental image of that moment. We had a few beers, we talked and he walked me to my truck. I remember asking him if he was a “good kisser”, a moment we used to reflect on for years to come.
Codependency, by definition, means making your relationship more important to you than to yourself. It also often involves giving your own needs a lower priority, while being overly concerned about the needs of others.
To say that I fell in love with my feet would be a dramatic understatement. This guy owned half the city, he made me laugh every day, he was handsome and sexy as hell, he had a strong work ethic, and we were perfectly matched as lovers. The following months were truly a dream come true. I fell in love, hard and fast.
Two months after our relationship, they still hadn’t invited me to their farm. It made more sense for him to come to town at my place, so I hadn’t really questioned it. When I insisted that we never stay at his farm, he finally had to take the cat out of the bag.
The truth is that she lived on a farm with her former lover. It was a duplex house and each had their own separate house. He claimed that they had not engaged as boyfriends or had sex for over 15 years, but since bringing boys home in the past had been problematic, they had agreed not to bring other men to the farm.
Of course, she was devastated, crushed, and angry and told her that she would have to change her agreement or I would be forced to end our relationship. He promised to change the living arrangement, but asked for a few months. At that moment I knew that if I stayed with him it would take away what I was as a person.
Codependency occurs when two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that they can “be alone.” Neither feels capable or self-sufficient. It is as if two halves try to form a whole. Both partners seek to become psychologically complete by bonding the other partner to themselves.
Months and years passed, but nothing changed. I was invited to the farm a couple of times, but it was only during the day that his ex was working. I continued to address issues from time to time and he always said he would change … he just needed time. But it never did. In my heart, I know that he really wanted to change sometimes, but when the moment came, he just couldn’t. Later I found out that his ex cooked for him and did the laundry. Why would you want to change that, when you could have your cake and eat it too?
Now it sounds crazy to me, but now I know why I settled for less:
I really loved him and wanted to spend my life with him.
I believed that he loved me and that he would change to keep me.
I had moved to a new city and had no friends or family there.
Sex was great … always!
I was coming out of the closet when I met him and I was learning to like him as a gay man.
Although he was rich, he never helped me much financially. I had work problems a couple of times and was afraid of being alone and ending up on the street. He owned hundreds of apartments and twenty farms.
He manipulated me by making broken promises to change us, build us a house to live together, and retire at fifty-five.
Many codependent couples report feeling “let down,” “taken advantage of,” or “trapped” by their partner in need when in fact they are “trapped” by their own overwhelming need. This type of interaction is based on desperation and often leads to obsessive and abusive relationships based on need and control rather than love and respect.
After nine years, things were changing. I was doing better financially and my confidence was at a high level. After so many broken promises, it was simply too counterproductive for me to bear being with him any longer. I never stopped loving him, but I knew that my needs would never be met.
One way to end a relationship is to find and start a new one. I put another man in and didn’t look back. It was through this new relationship that I ended up in counseling and learned about codependency. You can’t imagine how angry and ashamed I felt once I realized that I had been giving in to his control and never insisting that my own needs be met.
Unlike homosexuals, codependents are made, not born. Hiding from ourselves and depending on external things for our self-esteem were lessons taught in childhood. Because our codependency is something that is learned one lesson at a time, we can unlearn it one lesson at a time.
Even after knowing why I stayed in an unhappy relationship as long as I did and that I was codependent, I still slip back into old habits sometimes. Sometimes I find myself seeking someone’s approval and I stop. It always amazes me and it’s frustrating to keep repeating bad behaviors. But at least I realize now and know that I can’t re-enter a co-dependent relationship.
And sometimes I find myself looking for a romantic partner who will give me all the love that my family couldn’t. However, there is no way other people, no matter how much they love us, can make up for an unhappy childhood. Before we can love others, really love them, we must learn to love ourselves.
The cure for codependency comes from within. I am the only one who can teach myself to live from the inside out and fill that empty space within me. Once I can stop trading my time and affection for positive self-esteem in return, I will be free to discover caring based on mutual trust and emotional intimacy.