By 
The nurse called me by name, but I was having the time of my life on the other side. He wasn’t responding to the nurse. I remember that buzz and spin in my head when the anesthetic went into my vein. This was minor surgery and no one had considered any real risk to me. As a young and healthy mother, 32 years old, there were no medical problems to cause concern. As I lay there recovering, I knew someone was calling my name over and over again. He just didn’t want to come back to consciousness. When they last called me, I was arguing with God. The Almighty was present in the light and in a fatherly voice that seemed to come from everywhere. In my experience, he did not have a human face or form, but he was a great debater. The debate was an emotional plea on my part: he was begging not to be returned to my sleeping body. He had been very unhappy for quite some time. I’d say, “I don’t want to leave you now that I’ve found you.” God would reply, “I can be with you there (the physical world) too. You are the one who must open the door.” Now I wonder why I hadn’t opened the door earlier. Maybe I just didn’t know that action was required on my part. Perhaps I was not aware of my own will and the need to take affirmative action. But, Here I was swimming in ecstasy and the joy of fulfilled love.
There was no more suffering; the love I had longed for was filling me to the brim. In addition to drinking in this delicious love, I was also fully aware of who I was. During my incarnation as Nancy, I only knew myself the way others perceived me. It’s amazing to see yourself so clearly.
Perhaps the most incredible part was acknowledging a relationship that seemed primordial, ancient, and crucial. In my current theology of God, I would tell people that I believed in a “Higher Power.” God was out there somewhere in the universe, remotely interested in me. This new presence was intimately related to my true self. I felt so lucky to be experiencing all of this and never wanted it to end! As I begged to stay, I was greeted with the kindest explanations: God told me I’d be there (back home in the real world) too. I was thinking it wouldn’t be the same. The answer went something like this: Open the door. Ask this, remember this. You will not be alone. He did not want to go back and face the many challenges that lay ahead. My marriage was on the rocks and I had two young children. There seemed to be no easy answers to my dilemma. My God, he understood, it was not a walk in the park. He emphasized to himself that I should not miss out on any experience because the opportunities are golden. I was shown something from the future. It was like a fast-forward movie of my life. I can remember very little except that I was satisfied that I would overcome my current obstacles and even savor some very precious moments as well. I got the feeling that this is not something I want to miss out on. Looking back on this conversation, I realize that my version of God was a very skilled debater. It wasn’t going to come back very easy. This last speech was the easiest to remember, because God and I were being interrupted by someone calling my name. It really bothered me that she kept calling my name. He was sure he could yell at that poor nurse once he was awake.
When I opened my eyes, the nurse was wrapped in a halo… and I looked at her and said, oh, you’re so beautiful. She smiled. She could almost hear her thoughts: everyone says the strangest things when they come out of surgery. She could feel that she considered herself normal looking and not that attractive. I grabbed her hand and looked deep into her soul and said, “You really are beautiful!” She cried a little and left the room. Everyone she looked at seemed so wonderful. She felt the deepest love for them. When I got home and held my two little boys in my arms, I felt so lucky for their presence in my life. Then I started to feel a little guilty… I was ready to leave them. That was 20 years ago. Many of life’s “golden moments” have been experienced and I think there are still some on the way for me. There are good days and bad days. This experience beats all other experiences for being unique and life changing. I will not open this up for debate on the validity of my experience. Was it an illusion? The fact that it still gives me goosebumps and to this day makes me a little “home sick” from that other world, speaks to its validity. And yes, the “Door is wide open” since that day.
nancy lake