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Before considering how to build self-esteem, let’s briefly consider what we mean by self-esteem and clarify the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence.
Self-confidence it is based on capacity. Your self-confidence has to do with your level of confidence, faith and belief in your abilities. [your power] and capabilities [your potential].
Self-confidence = What you think you can do.
Mastery of self-confidence = What you know you can do.
Self esteem is based on value. Therefore, self-esteem is equal to self-esteem and self-respect. Your self-esteem is based on how you value and respect yourself.
Self-esteem = Who you think you are.
Self Esteem Mastery = Who Do You Know You Are
How to develop self-esteem – My experiences
In my first years of life and until my twenties I suffered from a deep inferiority complex and low self-esteem.
Forty years later, and honestly and humbly speaking, I have a very healthy positive sense of self-esteem. In fact, until I started writing this article, self-esteem hadn’t been on my radar for a long time. Why? Because it is no longer a problem for me.
This is often the case, people with a healthy and positive sense of self-esteem just don’t think about it. On the contrary, those who do think so and have an interest in articles like this one that seek to address the topic “How to build self-esteem?” question tends to have a lower sense of self-esteem.
“Okay, great for you!” I hear you shout: “…so what is the secret? What have you learned during those forty years that makes you so complacent now?”
First of all, there was no sudden “come to Jesus moment”, no damascene transformation like when Joliet in The Blues Brothers came out.
This was a gradual process that gradually developed over time.
I realized very early that the fundamental basis of how to develop self-esteem is based on values and these were my key themes:
How to develop self-esteem [1]
If I don’t take care of myself, who else will?
I realized that people took me for my own worth.
So when I first got into all of this, when I was about 19 and in college, I quickly realized that my sense of inferiority and low self-esteem was reflected in the way other people treated me.
I felt inferior, so people treated me as inferior.
But as soon as I made small positive changes in how I felt about myself, I noticed people responding to me more positively.
How did I do this? I know it sounds cliche, but I faked it to make it. I did an informal inventory of myself to see what [if anything] People seemed to like it and respond positively, and I noticed a few small glimpses of things that I felt I could build on.
Faking it to make it
I had so little confidence or faith in myself that I created a persona, a new identity that I acted out and called him Isaac, which was the nickname I gave myself.
This seemed to get a good response, so I decided to run for Student Union election as Treasurer and campaigned as Isaac.
This character, Isaac, was loud, brash, funny, and confident, and it seemed to work because Isaac chose himself as treasurer.
It was fun and interesting to play this role, but deep down I was still desperately insecure and lacking in self-esteem.
Transformation
After building on this initial success, I took on the responsibility of putting on all the rock concerts in college and hiring the bands and the people who ran the bars. This put me in a very prominent role and I had an amazing time and a fantastic social life.
What a transformation! I had the time of my life as Isaac. Inside however, the “real me”, Stephen, still lacked self-confidence, but I finally found a way forward and something to build on.
The next challenge was how to leave Isaac and Stephen be that confident, socially successful man… but that is beyond the scope of this article and a story for another day.
How to develop self-esteem [2]
If I knew how little others think of me, I wouldn’t give a damn what others think of me!
Like most people, I used to be very anxious about what other people thought of me.
It was such a relief when I finally realized the truth that nobody spends a lot of time thinking about what other people are doing. Why? Because we are all too busy thinking about ourselves!
That may sound cynical and negative, but it’s actually very comforting and very liberating to know this.
How to develop self-esteem [3]
I left the comparison game. Behind closed doors everyone carries a dark secret or deep sadness – everyone suffers… no one has the perfect life!
For years I used to punish myself by making comparisons to other people I knew who seemed to have a better life than mine.
People with bigger houses, more money, and generally much more successful than me. People who lived wonderful, happy, trouble-free lives…unlike me.
Then over the years as I watched how things developed for these people over longer periods of time [maybe over 10 years or 20 years]from time to time circumstances changed and gave me glimpses into the lives of these “lucky” people.
I found? Broken and unhappy marriages, fractured relationships with children, financial trauma and bankruptcy, alcohol and other related problems, despair and quiet despair.
All this well hidden until finally one day the masks slipped, the curtains moved and I got that “behind the scenes look”.
How to develop self-esteem [4]
I just do it! The more you do, the more you can do.
I discovered that life experiences and continuous learning: meeting, working and socializing with people from different backgrounds [classes, ethnicities and cultures] traveling and working in different countries, all these things strengthen my self-esteem.
I remember the empowering impact on my business career of realizing that although I was surrounded by highly intelligent people who were far more technically proficient than I was, I had my own special gifts for seeing the big picture, being able to connect the dots, and interpret the vision of it. so that “the troops” could execute her.
Then the discovery that he could “kick butt” and do things that others said couldn’t be done.
All these experiences built and strengthened my self-esteem.
How to develop self-esteem [5]
Now I accept that not everything is as real as it seems!
At that moment everything seems so real, so wonderful, so dramatic, so traumatic, so mundane and all so real with all its technicolor, roller coaster ups and downs… but, as time goes by, impermanence rears its ugly head. and the dawn of understanding that not everything is as real as it seems!
Maybe it’s because I’m older now, or maybe it’s the side effects of taking the red pill, but there came a time when I realized that almost everything I thought was important and that I cared a lot… instance… and given enough time… and enough internal distance… it just fades away… like a dream.
How to develop self-esteem [6]
My base of values has changed and has become more spiritual.
The boundaries between the “outer” world and the “inner” world blur and merge.
Self-esteem is based on things beyond the ego, on values based on integrity and other personally significant values.
As time goes by, spiritual values become more important, values based on the spiritual dimension, a sense of self enhanced by the realization of my higher self.
My current values and current base of self-esteem can be summarized as:
- Do the best with what I have, no matter the circumstances…
- Focus away from myself and on serving and helping others…
- Live the present moment…
- Pursue a worthy dream.