By 
Arrow Books, 2007, $19.95 pb., pp. 401, ISBN: 24681097531
If I’m missing or dead It is a heartbreaking and revealing book; and a page turner! However, it is not fiction; is an all-too-real scenario account of how women, even beloved, intelligent, and successful women, can fall prey to men who do them harm: emotional, physical, and life-threatening harm. This book is also a dedication to her younger sister, Amy, the much-loved baby of the family. No one knew Amy was in trouble until she disappeared.
In hindsight, the signs were there, but it was too late. Amy was dead.
Janine? says my sister Jane. Have you heard of Amy?
He killed her, I tell him on the phone. That bastard killed her.
The only clue they have to what happened to Amy is a note taped inside her desk at work:
In the event of my disappearance or death… I’m afraid I’ve put myself at risk in various ways…
Janine is an educated and successful woman; a working journalist with a broad vision of the world. She knows that her family loves her and she is attached to her siblings. She has struggled to pay for college, scrimping and saving and staying determined. She is a woman who can survive, get by, and support herself.
However, she enters into abusive relationships; just like Amy. Michael breaks her ribs, blackens her eyes, kicks her in the kidney. Then he cradles her. Oh honey, he says, I love you so much. Why you gotta go and push my buttons?
Then he meets Kurt.
…he knows I’m a battered woman and he loves me anyway. He turns on even though he knows… I can be ugly and I can… make someone so mad they hit me.
Attentive and loving, Kurt is also jealous, demanding, and sexualizes his wife. He likes her to dress in miniskirts, tight tops, stockings, and high heels. He even ‘forces’ her to enlarge her breasts which she doesn’t want and is often ‘inappropriate’ in public: a disconcerting echo of her father.
Amy has also experienced a difficult marriage, weight problems, and cancer. Even after staying single, losing weight, and successfully working, her loneliness leads her to the web, where she meets Ron Lee Ball.
Meanwhile, Kurt’s behavior becomes more jealous and erratic. He even leaves Janine on the beach, asleep, leaving her to dehydrate and burn. He’s gone… Pissed off… Until recently I would have run after him…
Rebuilding her life and self-esteem as a single woman, Janine is on an upward path when she gets the call about Amy.
Hello, sweets, I say. What are you doing?
I’m planting impatience… I’m also using my bread maker, she says.
I say I love you.
I love you too, she says.
I will never speak to her again.
if i’m missing or deadIt is both an honest tale of love, violence, and loss, and a cautionary tale. Abused women, especially if they stay, and they almost always do, are seen by many as weak, stupid, or in some cases deserving. This book can shatter those false beliefs. Latus shows ownership of him by his actions. Despite being an educated and successful woman, she believes that she needs the love of a man, one who obviously loves her very much despite what she brings to the relationship. She, too, is not averse to admitting that she could give the best she received, at least initially. Yet over time, eroded by constant criticism, opportunistic insults, and emotional blackmail, she succumbs on a deeply psychological level.
Her first relationship with a man, that of her father, is far from ideal and is, in fact, itself abusive. Latus never falls into a maudlin state of blaming him. He presents his family with a degree of calm and dispassion, which allows the reader to draw their own conclusions from him. This comes from his journalistic skills and is an admirable account of some difficult moments and experiences, as well as love, fun and togetherness.
This journalistic approach, and her consummate writing skills, give this autobiographical tale an extra level of relevance and readability, to the point of wanting to turn the page instead of turning out the light.
And examples: when someone in the family called Amy, including her mother, Ron would answer the phone and make some excuse why they couldn’t talk to her, effectively isolating her. He even told her mother that he had killed her and buried her in her backyard. Although he made everyone feel uncomfortable, and far from being funny, they thought that she was just making bad jokes. They could not suspect what would happen.
Highly recommended, especially for those who want to know the signs when a loved one is in trouble, but won’t tell.