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Sometimes I hear from wives who are very disappointed that their marital separation is not going as well as they hoped. Many had anticipated that the separation would make their husband miss them and, as a result, bring them closer together. Unfortunately, however, sometimes the opposite happens and the wife finds that the distance only grows.
I heard from one wife who said, in part, “When my husband was pushing for a trial separation, he said that being apart would probably make us miss each other like crazy. He repeatedly promised that he would stay in close contact with me every day. And he made it seem like even though we would live apart, we would still spend time together and he would still represent the people that we are husband and wife. Well, unfortunately, the opposite happened. The phone calls certainly don’t happen every day. In fact, at I often have to take the initiative and call him. We’ve seen others a couple of times, but it’s certainly not a planned or recurring thing. The other day, it happened to me. I ran into my husband at a coffee shop near our house. He was there with one of our mutual friends. I was sure he would beckon me to join them but he just waved at me and then went on with his conversation and then after a few minutes he walked away. it was. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he’s definitely distancing himself from me right now. Why could it be doing this? And what can I do about it?” I will try to answer these concerns in the following article.
You might be trying to assert the independence you still feel you need: Men often push for separations because they feel like they need this time and space to figure out how they really feel about their marriage. They may also want to know how it feels to live or function alone. Sometimes they are not entirely honest about it because they know that if their wife suspects how much space they want, she will have her reservations about the separation. So sometimes they will try to make you believe that not much is going to change. They will promise to see each other and communicate regularly. They may even initially believe that this will be true. But once the separation begins, they may find that they need or want more space and want to assert some of their newfound freedom before making rash decisions.
Sometimes your wife is more clingy or demanding than you expected. In other words, they often really hoped to have some time to themselves, but suddenly their wife is demanding a lot of their time, so they feel like they’ll need to create some distance to assert themselves. So this is their way of telling you to back off a bit because they still need and want some space. Now, does this mean that he will never allow you to be near him or that he will never want to get close to you during the separation? Not necessarily. But it can mean that for whatever reason he is still trying to get some distance or space and in order to get this he is currently distancing himself from you.
What can you do when he is drifting away? Which is the best option?: I know firsthand that it’s very tempting to try to push even harder. I’m sure when this wife saw her husband in that coffee shop, she did everything she could not to pull up a chair or call out to him and ask why she was leaving in such a hurry. However, often the more you push her, the more she will pull away. And this is often a very damaging dynamic. Because the woman feels more rejected and the husband more hesitant. And then you can have a vicious cycle on your hands where you fear the worst and lose control of your feelings and your actions.
From my own experience, I suggest you be very calculating with your actions. Ask yourself how often you and her husband have agreed to talk or see each other. Then commit to only communicating with that frequency and nothing else. You should not set it so that you are the only one reaching out. You don’t want to come across as desperate or undesirable. I know this is very difficult. I know that sometimes you will have to literally force yourself to back up a little bit. But often when you move in as agreed and then back off when it’s time to do so, you’ll find that your husband no longer needs to distance himself because he has no reason to avoid you. And sometimes when you suddenly change your posture, he becomes curious and starts to come closer to you.
Because ultimately, this is what you want: a balance. It is preferable when both are initiating meetings and contact. Because when you’re afraid that you’re the only one who cares about you, it can feel like rejection. And I think it may be a strategic error to introduce this dynamic into their separation. So to answer the question posed, I think you should stick to the original plan if possible. If you have agreed to talk or see each other once a week, communicate at that time. But don’t push too hard. And if he resists, back off a bit to see if this improves things. Because continuing to push is often the worst thing you can do, as your husband will only distance himself further.