By 
After the criticism of the first chapter of my book, I drew several sentences as good examples of the mistakes I made. Each exhibits redundant word usage. I have included a better sentence structure below each example.
Read each sentence and find words that have a repeating meaning and words that add nothing to the sentence. (1) Remember, your goal is to create a clean, clear, and concise sentence. And notice how much my sentences get shorter when I eliminate redundant and repetitive words. During rewrites, these layoffs become crucial. One of the many mistakes new writers make is using too many words when least they can say the same thing without changing the meaning of the sentence.
Example 1
With her mother’s words still ringing in her ear, she ignored the sealed, unmarked envelope and placed it in the trash.
Yet it adds nothing to the sentence. If you take it out, has the phrase changed? “… in his ear” it is removed because where else would the words remain? The preposition is redundant. “… ignored …” it should be removed because “she” didn’t really ignore the envelope IF she put it in the trash, did she?
Example 1 Corrected
With her mother’s persistent words, she placed the sealed, unmarked envelope in the trash.
Example 2
Curious, she tilted her head to the side and then lifted it.
TO cock your head means tilt it to the sideor stand out in some way. Then, cocked Y by the side it could be interpreted to mean the same thing and make the sentence appear redundant. Also, the sentence reads as if “she” picked up his head. (1)
Example 2 Corrected
Curious, she cocked her head and then took the envelope.
Example 3
He straightened the folds of the letter, as he walked to the window, and looked down at the snow in soft white mounds on his 37 acres.
There is no need to “like her”. Removing it and adding a comma reduces the wording. “… looked down.” What you didn’t know about this scene is that the woman is in the attic.
English gurus tell us to avoid directional terms. Erase “under. “Here’s a better example:”She looked above in the sky.“Erase above. Why? Because heaven is always ABOVE, Never down. Just say “She looked at the sky. “
The next elimination was “gentle. “We all think snow is soft. If you erase”gentle“Take away from what is said? No. Then delete it.
Why delete “White? “Is snow a different color? Snow is always white. It’s redundant to say so and removing it reduces the word count. See how redundancy can hinder clarity?
Example 3 Corrected
He straightened the folds of the letter, walked to the window, and watched the snow mound across his 37 acres.
Example 4
She wiped away a tear and promised not to cry.
Although this sentence is short and you wouldn’t think of it as a problem, it has one word too many. Also, the phrase sounds like you “didn’t notice” the tear when you wiped it away. I didn’t want the sentence to come out that way for the reader, so I removed “in”. The corrected sentence below gives the reader the impression that they “wiped away a tear” in a hurry or in anger.
Example 4 Corrected
She wiped away a tear and promised not to cry.
Example 5
Melba stood at the bathroom door and looked at the box with contempt.
Review your writing and delete each of, and, but, by, then, was, state, am, is, being, were, Y what where possible. It will end with more fluid flowing prose, fewer foul articles, and fewer “to be” verbs.
Example 5 Corrected
Melba stood at the bathroom door and looked at the box with contempt.
Example 6
As the only child of Lucille Jeffries, Melba could sympathize with her mother’s concern for caring for her.
The general rule of thumb here is to avoid qualifiers like rather, very, small, pretty, something, etc. (two)
Example 6 Corrected
As the only child of Lucille Jeffries, Melba sympathized with her mother’s concern for taking care of her.
Example 7
He dug his nails into another seam and ripped over and over until his elbows and shoulders burned with pain.
The repetition of a word or phrase does not always turn out as we intended. We do it for emphasis. I like it, but it is redundant.
Example 7 Corrected
He dug his nails into another seam and ripped again until his elbows and shoulders burned with pain.
Or if you want to convey that the “ripped” continued, you can rewrite it as:
He dug his nails into another seam and continued to rip the wallpaper until his elbows and shoulders burned with pain.
I hope these tips work for you and that it has provided you with information to write better. I’m learning as I go and hope to take you with me for a ride.
Happy writing!
[1] Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace from Joseph M. Williams, Ninth Edition, Pearson Longman, 2007 (pp. 112, 113).
[2] How not to write badly: the most common writing problems and the best ways to avoid them by Ben Yagoda, Riverhead Books, 2013 (p. 113).