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Last night I received an email from a wife who wrote in part: “After a fight, my husband told me that although he loves me because I am the mother of his children and his wife, he doesn’t like me very much anymore. He says that I’m not the type of person he would choose as a friend or partner and if we met today, he wouldn’t even date me, much less marry me. How am I supposed to respond to this? How can we have a marriage if my own husband doesn’t want me?” I’ll tell you how I responded to this in the next article.
Understand projection:I explained to the wife that probably some of what her husband was saying could be attributed to projection. What I mean by that is that often in the heat of a fight people don’t mean exactly what they say. And just as often, they project issues and problems in other areas of your life onto the people who are the most desirable targets. In this case, that was his wife.
For example, maybe your husband had a fight with his boss that day. She perhaps she had felt pressured by another family member. She maybe she was just in a very bad mood. All of these things can manifest in a fight with a spouse that ends with him projecting his feelings on the issue onto his wife. (“I don’t like my job” becomes “I don’t like you”).
See the underlying truth: That being said, there is often a grain of truth to some of these statements that seem to come out without the benefit of editing. Usually when a husband says he doesn’t like her, what she really means is one of the few things. He may not like the person you become when the two of you fight. The normally sweet and calm person he is attracted to is suddenly gone and this new person seems to have fangs and claws. However, his wife, normally independent and strong, becomes whiny and clingy at any criticism.
Sometimes he is trying to tell you that there are changes in the marriage or in your personality that he would rather not see, and this is very common even in relatively good marriages. I can’t tell you how many husbands tell me they feel like they were sold a bill of goods when they were dating. Because in their minds, they were dating a vibrant, exciting, caring woman who had an easy laugh. But today, they are married to a critical and persistent person who is a lot like their mother at times. And no, they don’t “like” this, not at all.
So keep in mind that when he says he doesn’t like you, he often really means that he doesn’t like how the marriage is going, that he misses the intimacy, and that he misses the woman who used to love and respect him (and her) enough to show him the best version of herself on a regular basis.
Being happy instead of being right: Often when I say this to women, most will admit that they see the point I’m trying to make, but think none of this is fair. They’ll say things like, “Well, I don’t really like him right now either. He’s not the person I married either. Why is this always my problem? Why am I the one to blame?”
These concerns are absolutely valid. No, it’s not entirely fair and yes, it has some flaws as well. But keeping score will get you nowhere. You could argue that you’re right and he’s wrong and you might be absolutely right, but at the end of the day, will arguing this point really make you happier or closer to your spouse? Will it improve your marriage and intimacy?
Always keep your eyes on what you really want. For most people, this is feeling loved, understood, and appreciated. Everyone wants to be close to someone else. We all want to feel that our spouse not only loves us, but that he loves us. So if this requires you to give a little, to stop debating who is right and who is wrong, and to show your husband some of the qualities he likes and loves most about you, isn’t that a small price to pay for your peace of mind or happiness?