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Many people who reluctantly separate are not sure how they are supposed to act with their estranged spouse. This may seem very strange. After all, we are talking about your spouse. Chances are, you’ve known him for a long time and being around him should feel as natural as breathing. However, if you are separated and want to reconcile, it can sometimes feel like you are on shaky ground with your spouse. You don’t want to do or say anything that will make him uncomfortable or push him away. And yet, the desire to get closer to him can be hard to ignore.
Someone might ask, “How do people handle displays of affection during trial separations? My husband and I have only been apart for a short time, and honestly, I’m not too sure about the protocol here. My husband was visiting the kids this weekend week and we were discussing a sad topic with my husband’s extended family. My husband was upset and I went to hug him, for no ulterior motive. I just wanted to give him some comfort. I didn’t really think about it beforehand. But when I did, I felt my husband bristled. He literally stiffened at my touch. I pulled away and tried not to make a big deal out of it. I later discussed this with one of my friends and she suggested that maybe I should not show physical affection to my husband while we are separated. She said that when you separate, you don’t necessarily love each other. Is this true? Shouldn’t I show affection to my husband right now? He wanted to separate. I didn’t, but none of this means I don’t love him anymore. If he didn’t show affection, he might stop. But I really don’t want to. I feel like I’ve already lost a lot. Don’t people really show affection while apart?”
It really depends on the couple. I know some couples who continue to hug, kiss, have sex, etc., while apart. And I know others who are hesitant to play in any way. There really isn’t a hard and fast rule on this. And in my opinion and observation (based on my own separation), I think it’s better if you follow the understandings you’ve already established. Or, if you haven’t set limits, ask now or read your spouse’s cues to determine your comfort level.
My husband seemed quite uncomfortable in similar situations and I finally just asked him. I literally said, “Shouldn’t I do this?” when I tried to get close to him. My husband didn’t say no outright, but he clearly wasn’t comfortable with physical affection at the beginning of our separation. So I finally decided to let him take the lead. That way, I didn’t have to worry about doing something that would harm the communication between us. Instead I eventually focused on trying to get comfortable and laugh and relax with each other so he would want to keep communicating. Later on, he was the one to initiate the physical affection and I think this worked best for us, but that may not be true for all couples.
I also know that things can change from one day to the next. There may be a time when your spouse pulls away from you, and then three days later, reaches out to hug you. It certainly can be confusing and can give you mixed signals. However, I don’t think you can go wrong with being kind and supportive, but also watching how he’s acting and how receptive he might be at the time.
I realize this is frustrating. I used to think during my own separation that it just shouldn’t be that hard to know how to act around my own husband. But I think if I had pushed the issue and pushed the affect when he wasn’t receptive, that might have set our progress back even further. I’ve learned that you really have to take a gradual approach and just accept the progress that’s given to you.