By 
I was recently enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book.Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples.” It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are much more likely than any gay or straight relationship to go years without sex. I was not happy or very relaxed. I did not know that statistically when lesbians say they have not had sex in a long time with your partner can mean years!
This is such a sad fact. Now I’ll be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making me shallow in that department. I just couldn’t imagine being with someone I love and not feeling her bare skin pressed against mine, smelling her as we felt each other’s warmth.
Now, of course, there are some exceptions, where sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic does not include people who are struggling with physical or emotional problems, they are two healthy people who have stopped having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that fosters passion and attraction stabilizes, it is common to find differences in the level of desire and needs, high desire vs. low-desire individuals.
I’ve been judged in the past for putting too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been too high (what’s wrong with wanting sex five times a week…minimum). In my defense, while you catch your breath and stop cursing me or praying for sanity and my girlfriend’s vagina, I’m also a strong believer in commitment and other forms of intimacy.
A healthy relationship begins with good communication and paying attention to all departments of a relationship equally. If you believe that sex is not important, you will need to find someone with the same belief to make the journey easier. Some of us yearn for companionship that doesn’t depend on sexual intimacy. In the end, I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to be with someone, if there is open and safe communication, trust and both of you are looking for a healthy and happy relationship.
However, if you and your partner find yourself at opposite ends of the desire scale, here are some helpful tips:
- Clearly communicate who you are and what you want (for example, how much sex you want or how often).
- Be aware of the feelings of others and talk openly about how you feel. Typically and naturally, a partner who has high desire will feel demanding, exposed, and deprived of physical intimacy, while a person with low desire may feel resentful of the demands made of them, inadequate, and guilty for holding back on sex.
- Do not miss. As you negotiate with your partner about needs and wants, hold on to who she is and her integrity.
- Don’t expect your partner to take responsibility for your feelings, be responsible for your own feelings and learn to stay calm and calm down.
- Differences in sex roles and intimacy are a lifelong process and allow for the development of who we are and our relationships with others.
- Learning and effectively communicating who you are and your needs could be the key to rekindling desire and passion.
- No one in a relationship gets away with it all the time.
- Sexual desire doesn’t have to be something you hope to build up in order to respond with sexual contact; all you need is to be willing to be sexual.
- Maintain or increase the passion in your relationship: exercise your libido (for example, by masturbating); having escapades, bathing and showering together, having sex in different places, breaking the routine, giving each other massages, reminding each other how special they are, having date nights, spending time apart (so they can miss each other), dating sessions, being romantic (buy flowers), write poems or letters to each other, meet up somewhere and pretend you’re strangers, talk about your sexual fantasies, and take risks together.
- Be an active participant in your relationship, keep in mind that you don’t become just part of the picture.
Relationships evolve and change just as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what choices you make with your partner, you will need to re-evaluate those choices from time to time and change what isn’t working. The art of loving is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of ourselves and others.
There was a time when I would have said this is all too much work, and I really like the passion stage, having all the sex I can handle, and that I’m better off on my own. However, little by little I am learning that intimacy comes in many forms and that with negotiation, resistance and difficulties, passion can be even more exciting after I have crossed the obstacles of life with someone I love, and it’s just the beginning.
Alex Karydi – The Lesbian Guru