By 
The difficulties teachers face
In addition to the obvious challenges of classroom management, curriculum development, and the increasing amount of paperwork, teachers often have to deal with the difficulty of having to work with a parent who does not want to work with them.
While many parents are helpful, cooperative, and responsive, there are some who can be extremely challenging, particularly when your contact with them comes at the end of the day and both of you are already tired. These parents may yell, accuse, criticize, act belligerent, authoritarian, defensive, or, conversely, not be in full contact. Understandably, many teachers feel bewildered, hurt, and angry about this behavior. Some take it personally and wonder what they have done. Others may dismiss it and in doing so neglect the pursuit of that relationship at all, which, in the long run, doesn’t help anyone at all.
Why do parents respond the way they do?
It may not make the behavior more enjoyable, but you can help teachers interact with these parents by understanding that parents sometimes come into the classroom with notions that predispose them to defensive or difficult. They can expect to have a negative experience for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Perhaps their childhood was rough or the academics were particularly exhausting or punitive for them. Perhaps as adults it is their chance to finally rebel and draw the line in the sand, even when it is no longer necessary to draw it. Many adults cover up their own insecurities by acting fiercely or unresponsive. If a parent has had a negative experience at school or is embarrassed by their own level of education, it can come out in a stand with their child’s teachers.
In general, people do not consciously choose aggressive or dysfunctional behaviors. They learn them and generally come from environments where the behavior was necessary, adaptive, and helped them survive in some way. This is not an excuse for it, just an explanation. And when we understand what moves people, we can better help them.
Common traps and traps
Fighting fire with fire:
When we respond to anger and frustration with more of the same, we perpetuate and increase the problem. If a parent needs to vent his suspicions, criticisms, and confusion, let him. Unless you know you’ve made a mistake and are covering it up, it’s definitely not personal. It is almost certain that a parent who is furious about his child’s difficulties in class was furious before entering his classroom. A parent who expresses helplessness and makes you feel responsible is almost certainly doing so in other places as well. View the person and the problem before you with detached compassion. If, in fact, you have made an honest mistake or there are things you do not know and understand about your student, it is your job to say so and let the parents know how you are working on it. Get the alliance of parents. Knows the child better than most others. Let parents know how important and valuable he or she is.
Taking the short view:
When you only see what’s in front of you and forget where you want to go professionally with your students, you start lecturing instead of listening, acting before evaluating, and getting to the point instead of taking the time to develop a relationship. Get to know the parent who is sitting across from you. It is true that your time is limited. But if you require more than one visit or need the help of your school social worker to make home visits in a way that is more convenient for the parents, please do so. Of course, some people are very comfortable with home visits and others are not. Unless there is a serious reason for a more assertive stance, do not force this. Offer it as a service and not as a research tool.
Talk lowly:
No teacher has the deliberate intention of badmouthing a parent. But when you’re in a rush, fatigued, overworked, or used to performing in “master mode” all day, it can easily happen if you’re not vigilant. No one, including teachers, wants to be taught or judged.
Knee pull judgment:
Everyone but everyone makes assumptions. It is the way humans engage socially in a complex and fast-moving culture. We make decisions based on how someone dresses, how they walk, speak, or smell. Some of these assumptions may be true, others false. We judge people based on limited information even though we know that it is less accurate and less useful in many cases. It can be a rumor, a person’s introduction, or a difference in social status or culture.
We need to be very aware of this trend in ourselves and be prepared to receive new information that can change the course of a parent-teacher conference and, in turn, the course of a child’s academic career.
Helpful Tips to Avoid Common Mistakes
1. Establish your position ahead of time: Inform parents that you are a contributor. Send a card, chat, make a call. Express your enthusiasm for working with the child. Make it clear that although you are an expert on education, the parent is the expert on your child and that you appreciate, even need, their input.
2. Shift gears: take a deep breath and breathe for the rest of the school day. Working with a parent is a peer process. Take a look at your attitude and inner tone: Did you have a difficult day? Upset about something at home? About something to do with parents? Can you create a sense of calm and welcome? Sometimes a trusted colleague can be of great help in reality-checking.
3. Defensive attitude management: If a parent gets angry and you respond to the anger, you can be sure it will escalate. Even if you feel attacked, you don’t have to strike back. Suppose it is not you causing the reaction, but rather “school”, frustrations of parenting, anxiety, past experiences. If the parent is really mad at you, keep eye contact, listen to them until they are done, and try to understand what motivates them and if there is indeed something you can fix.
4. Listen and empathize. By separating, it is easier to listen calmly and emphatically. When we do that, it’s amazing how people suddenly soften up and calm down. Listening carefully is also the smartest and easiest way to discover the real problems and not be fooled by what is presented.
5. Keep an open mind: put the assumptions aside. The truth is, for the most part, we don’t really know the whole story. We get snippets from different sources, many of which get second- or third-hand as well. Preconceptions, like outright biases, can get in the way of a productive relationship.
6. Assume the best, at least until proven otherwise. Clearly, if you need to respond to a dangerous or seriously negative situation, it is your legal and moral responsibility to do so. However, until then, assume that a parent wants the best for their child, even if they themselves aren’t sure what it is, and actively seek a way to connect, educate, and collaborate.
7. Take your time and make time for yourself – That means on both fronts: professional and personal. Take enough time to meet comfortably with a parent, if possible. And give yourself the time you need to relax with your partners, your spouse, or alone. If you are very stressed, take a break. Give yourself what you give to others.
vs. Judith Acosta, 2009. All rights reserved.