By 
It’s a horrible feeling to look back on your marriage with negative hindsight. Sometimes we don’t see things clearly enough until we are faced with losing them forever. I recently heard from a wife who was experiencing this first hand. Her husband had left her after he finally got tired of her constantly twisting the truth, not treating him respectfully, acting irresponsibly, and taking him for granted.
She said, in part: “I was furious with my husband when he left me. I was angry that he would give up on our marriage without letting me know first. But after I started thinking clearly, I gave myself a lot of warnings, but I wasn’t always paying attention .I spent the money he mostly earned like crazy and put us deep in debt.I would bend the truth about my activities so I could keep doing exactly what he wanted.He worked hard while I had fun.If he mentioned to me that he was not happy with this, I would call him a stick in the mud or ask him if he was my father. I flirted with other guys and didn’t show him the respect he deserved. He was nothing but loving, loyal and good to me, but I didn’t fully appreciate him until now. So now I’m at the point where I realize my mistakes and commit to changing my ways I’ve gotten a better job and stopped spending and lying and having fun but when I tell him this he looks at me with doubt in itself u e. he does and he doesn’t try to see me again. If he would just give me a second chance, he could and would show her that our marriage could be different. Will you give me that second chance? How can I make sure it does?” I’ll try to answer these questions below.
Usually, for your husband to give you and your marriage a second chance, several things must happen at once: Over time, it became quite obvious that this wife was sincere. It’s been months since her husband left. And, during that time, she got a job, adjusted her thinking and behavior, and really embraced a new way of life that her husband had been encouraging and asking for all along.
The wife was frustrated that she had made all these changes, and yet despite repeatedly detailing her mistakes and how she had changed them, her husband still had not been receptive enough to give her another chance or come home. In fact, she had started talking about her divorce, which was especially disturbing to her.
This wife did not understand that for her husband to give her a second chance or be open to a reconciliation, several things must happen, such as the following:
1. Your husband needs to fully believe that not only have you really and truly changed, but that you understand why you acted the way you did and are completely sorry for it. He needs to believe that you now see in him attributes that you haven’t seen before so that you don’t continue to take him for granted.
2. Your husband needs to believe that the changes you’ve made are lasting and that you didn’t just “change” for his benefit. Many husbands suspect that as soon as he agrees to give you another chance or returns home, you will eventually feel comfortable again and go back to your old ways, leaving him to deal with the same behaviors over and over again with no escape. .
3. Once your husband believes that he has made lasting changes and realizations, he must perceive that continuing in a relationship or marriage with you will be better for him (or make him happier) than continuing alone. . Sure, he might believe that you may have changed. But sometimes, he still feels like there’s been too much negativity between you to really save the marriage. However, he doubts that things can ever “be the same” again.
Identify and address any concerns your husband may have about giving you a second chance. Where does his reluctance and his resistance come from? True, I did not personally know either the husband or the wife in this scenario. Therefore, I was unable to identify which of the 3 factors above was preventing the husband from believing his wife or giving her a second chance. But, if the wife really observed her husband’s behaviors and listened to the clues that she was probably offering, then she should be able to find out what she really got in her way.
Most of the time, this is a gradual process because you have to resist to continue long enough to overcome what is usually considerable resistance and doubt from the husband. In truth, this couple had been married for years, and yet the wife changes had only been going on for a few months. It is likely that the husband still had doubts that the changes were sincere or that they would really last. And it is possible that he also had her doubts about whether the two of them could ever be happy again after he abandoned her and gave up on the marriage.
The best way to address these concerns was to simply continue with what you were doing and give the process time to work. Because in time, the husband could probably see that she really meant it and that he really meant what he said. It helps if you can somehow let your husband know that you are incorporating these changes even when he is not looking at you. If a mutual friend or family member comments on the changes in you without you being there, this can help.
Here is one more point I would like to make. It is quite possible that the husband was slowly getting used to the idea that his wife could change, but that he still had his doubts that the marriage could be truly easy or happy. The wife admitted to me that sometimes things were tense when they were together because she was frustrated that her plan didn’t seem to be working. This was something to be avoided in the future.
It is vitally important that your husband sees you as cheerful, fun-loving, and very easy to get along with. The relationship and conversations should be light and not feel awkward or forced. I know this sometimes takes some work, but if every interaction is felt or read negatively, this will often only reinforce the husband’s belief that the marriage is too far away to be saved.